Bluberries!!!
i don't know what it is about it that matters to me so much. the guys just mean alot to me and i want to mean alot to them but i can't if they know stuff like that. I can't feel well knoing that they know something that i havn't even forgiven myself for yet.
and then the fact that u think nothing of it. It's the same kind of deal as u hanging all over me. Instead of another friend with respected opinions i merely become ryan's gf. or at least my emotions pull me in that direction. They make me feel as tho that is how it is. i just havn't developed my self enough to show them that yet. If u wanna go and tell all that crap then go ahead. It just makes things ten times harder for me. I'll still participate but i just don't feel that it was completely your place to share such a secret. Not when you want me to be part of things. It makes me highly uncomfortable at this point. and i don't see how u cna't understand that. number one its not wrong for a guy to have sex so he can tell whoever he wants. Virginity means alot more to me then it does you so you should take that into concideration. but most of all i respect them like i respect father richard and i could not imagine telling father richard what u told them. Not before he had gotten to kno me little bit...
u have to at least understand that a little bit. It'd be like me telling them about your fetish or something.
Yea I guess I do know what you mean. It's just that I've been living with "God by my side" for a while now. So the "holy spirit cry" just seems normal to me, cuz it happens frequent enough, and I wasn't sure what you were talking about. Afterall, I did cry throughout almost the entire movie, and it wasn't a sobbing cry that left me messy. It was different. But I definately see the Holy Spirit working throughout the Passion.
I also gained a massive amount of motivation. It's like I developed an extreme willpower. Temptation is non-existant because there's no longer an option to do wrong. I know you've gotten that feeling too, but it always goes away eventually doesn't it? Well mine hasn't yet.
And I'm determined not to let it. It's the best feeling ever!
I guess it's been easier because I think of God differently lately. Like I said in my seminar essay God is my father. And that's a new concept for me so it really means alot. He's the father I never thought I had. I just had to open my eyes to it. The day I realized this, was really special. Also, I think it's easier to remain moral and virtuous when you develop a relationship with God. When you know the story of Christ, and realize the reasons behind the rules its much easier.
lol I've become a Ryan Dell clone. I use commas like every other word. :-P
It's hard for me to say all of this without disproving myself using psychology. Yet at the same time it's not cuz I know!!
Yea so the devil works through my openness to get to me...
I saw The Passion again, and it hit me almost as hard as the first time. Whereas the first time I got out of it that I had to do something, well, big compared to the everyday ministry as person is called to, this time I was given the obsticals I'd meet along the way. Now it's kinda hard to explain what I mean by "got out of it," and Jess i kno u have a hard time understanding how, although u do believe i did...but it's like this...I started crying during certain parts, but it wasn't an emotional crying like I was thinking how sad it was...but it was what i call "holy spirit tears." I guess the Catholic Church calls it "crying or weeping in the spirit." But as I was saying, it's less of an emotional crying, because I never cry at movies, even if it's someone going through pain or suffering or dying...even if i know it's a true story. I DO feel bad abou it, but i never cry. Not many guys do lol. But this, it was pulled out of me. But these "holy spirit tears" are ones where it can easily lead to happiness and joy. They can go either way really, because it's an experience into God, who IS everything, both pain, but also, and above all, unending joy. Now Jess you brought up the point that i already was aware of everything in the film, but it seems that what got me was not an awareness of Christ's pain. I think a large part of it was that God reall did work through those involved in the film, and there was truly at lot of the Holy Spirit flowing out of it if one was open enough to listen.
ok ok lol false alarm. Turns out the the last thing i had on Our Lady of the Roses shire was fake. I had it confirmed by my religion teacher who reseaches these things. It doesn't degrade my feeling though. There are some valid ones, or at least there's the sighting at Fatima, and that happened. It's documented and confirmed by those who saw it and the prophecies, told to the three children all came true. So yeah, i still feel pulled toward something....don't exactly know what yet, but with prayer and meditation i'll get there....
YAY!!! I CHANGED THAT UGLY SKIN!!! :-P
lol sry babe i forgot to change u back to administrator...u r now tho...
Sigh...I don't realize what i have sometimes......
GOOD MORNING EVERYONE!!!...ok ok so i don't have a counter or ne thing, although i tried to get one, but a lot of the options are missing cuz jess changed everything on me lol, but yeah ne way...as I was saying...I don't have a counter so jess you're probably the only one who reads this thing lol so ummm, yeah....
GOOD MORNING BABE!!!! lol. Yeah i felt motivated to write in this thing this morning. Yeah guess...well no i really don't have the free time right now...so no, not that i have the time really lol, not having my lab or history done or repblic read, but i'm just waiting for my dad to get out of the shower. But yeah, guess it's because i just got out of the shower and i was thinking a lot....damn, gotta go....and i had so much to say too....finish tonight i guess....
I seemed to be pretty damn focused yesterday, but today my mind seems to be all over the place again...very hard to concentrate on and manipulate ideas. My parents didn't really help that all that much :-(...yeah it seems that ne time I'm back to where i need to be and find my Self, things get tough with my parents or school or both, but that's how it is i guess, life wasn't guarenteed to be easy. I mean things aren't all that bad though. I got the Republic to read and my banjo to play, and i just gotta be pushing forward on my homework despite my parents' ridiculous tantrums and decisions. Just wish i had more jess in my life...and my parents accepted her more :-(. Yeah and i still feel like i have a lot of great and important stuff to say right now, but again, my mind just isn't hitting it tonight. Just gotta be working on my homework i guess. Been a pretty good ash wednesday religiously though. I decided I was never meant to fast :-P lol. Ok ok it was good for me though...not to lose weight or ne thing, but as a major sacrifice cuz i'm usually ALWAYS eatting when i can lol. Yeah i had a yogurt for breakfast, cheese wrap for lunch...but supper was a bit more...two helpings of pasta with imitation crab lol....i just couldn't take it ne more...needed food....or...UG!!! Yeah and then I've been good at holding back selfish desires today, not to say i wasn't faced with desirous urges, but hopefully after the 40 days i'll be purified of that. So yeah...ok enough for everyone and time for my jess lol. Yeah babe i kinda felt distant and tired today, sorry if i did a bad job expressing my love today. GRRR it's almost 8 and still no hw done :-(...so time to work....